Guest Post: Can’t Forget Your Ex? Maybe you don’t have to

by Izzy Woods

Your ex. You might have left them long behind, or it may only be a few months since you split. Either way, if you’re still thinking about them you needn’t beat yourself up about it.

When someone has played an important role in your life it can be hard to shut them out, just like that. And actually, if you find you’re able to switch off from people so easily, perhaps that shows a more worrying trait than not being able to forget about them at all.

Human beings are social creatures, most of us crave attention, want to be acknowledged, and enjoy being a part of a relationship. If that relationship has come to an end but you still find yourself thinking about your ex, don’t get annoyed with yourself for doing so. The most important thing is that these thoughts are manageable, and they don’t start to rule your life.

Someone special

At some point in our lives we will usually go through a relationship break-up. Hopefully there won’t be too many of these and you’ll be lucky enough to find ‘the one’ without going through an endless process of relationship meltdowns.

However, even if you’ve moved on and are in a happy and fulfilling relationship, it’s not unusual for thoughts of an ex to flit through your mind. Perhaps they were your ‘first love’ – the person you fell hopelessly head over heels with when you were 16 and somehow can’t quite forget them - even if you do realise you could never really be together.

First love is something extremely special, but as we grow older and move on to more adult relationships, it can often be clear to see why that first love didn’t last the distance. Still, just because you can see all the flaws and reasons why it didn’t and wouldn’t work, it can be hard to forget your first relationship. After all, this was probably at a time of heightened emotion. If you were a teenager during your first love all sorts of emotions and feelings would have been running around your mind. Your first love is a symbol of something new and exciting – you probably did things with your first love that you’d never done before. And whether it burnt out quickly or lasted years, that first love will always be something special so if you happen to find yourself trawling Facebook for him or her, don’t think you’re the only one out there doing it.

However, try and keep this first love in perspective – especially if you’re in a relationship now. Yes, you might long for those exciting, dizzy days of your youth but reconnecting with an old flame probably won’t rekindle all those emotions. Why? Because you’re not a 16-year-old hormone-raddled teenager. And for that you can breathe a sigh of relief!

Learn from your mistakes and move on

If you’ve recently come out of a relationship don’t chastise yourself because you find yourself thinking about your ex. Why? Because it doesn’t have to be all bad.

Ok, if you’re spending too much time moping over old pictures, eating way too much chocolate and ice cream, and sitting by the phone hoping s/he’ll call, you’re not going to be doing yourself any favors.

So turn this time into a positive and start addressing what went wrong in the relationship. Look at your exes’ flaws – list them down – go on, be ruthless (no one need read it except you). You should soon be able to see the reasons why your relationship came to a close – and however down you are – you should see that it takes two to create a breakdown and you certainly won’t be the sole person to blame.

Now you’ve thought long and hard about why your last relationship didn’t work out, you should be able to move on and start thinking about potential new partners. What qualities would you like them to have that your ex didn’t have? How do you think you would better fit in with that sort of person? Have you dated a person with similar qualities in the past, if so think back to that relationship and consider how things could have worked better.

A work in progress

Ultimately, relationships take time. You might fall in love at first sight but in order to keep that love alive you’ll need to put in a great deal of time and effort. A relationship is a work in progress – so work at it and use your past experiences to your advantage.

About the Author:
Izzy Woods is a London-based freelance writer. She writes for a plethora of interesting clients, including Princess Cruises and several foodie blogs.